I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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