I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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