Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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