The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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