Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
