Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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