He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
