my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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