wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
