You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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