You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
