I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
