I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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