after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Drunk is not a location!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
