I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
These tits shall not be calmed
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
