cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
We left an ass print on the piano.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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