make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
