he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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