It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
The air taste purple.
Randomize
