im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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