Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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