if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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