"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize