And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
