i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
