I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I have aggressive nipples.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
