kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
