Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
