There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
