he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
