last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
