He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
