My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
