Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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