I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
