The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
