Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
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