I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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