I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
