Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
