Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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