We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
