You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
