Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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