that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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