I think I won the penis lottery.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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