Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
