I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
