mondays should just be called national damage control day
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
