I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize
