If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
