You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize