he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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