Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize