your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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