Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
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