True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
