My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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