I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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