if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
