Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
