Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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