Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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